I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize