She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i love accidental penises.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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