Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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