maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
