saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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