I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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