Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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