Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize