Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
