dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize