We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
