mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
