Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
