No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
