help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
