I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
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