Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize