The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
