im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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