but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
