I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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