i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
