you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
