If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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