It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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