Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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