In the future we'll all be gay
I'm gonna have a badass scar
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize