I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
