im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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