her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
