We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
