just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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