im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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