Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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