Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
