So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Randomize