i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
