It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
