I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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