Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
