Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
