Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
