Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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