i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
