He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
