I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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