I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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