Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Found your dick twin last night
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize