and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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