Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
