What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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