i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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