my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
