I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
