piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
