Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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