You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
