Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize