He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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