just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
