Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
