I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
