whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
