seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
