i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
