I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
