Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
