I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize