she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He felt like a one man threesome
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
